Pokécrack
by Queens of the mole people
Summary: No longer a oneshot. Rated very R for language and obscene concepts. Please enjoy responsibly.
1. The crack begins

**Poké-crack**

By: Generation Pope

**NOTE**: beware of swearing crack nonsence and jokes against gays. If you take offence please don't flame me just don't read. Thank you.

Once upon a day, Ash was walking thorough a foreign territory in Veridian city. He had just received his first 3 Pokemon; Pigeotto, Pikachu and Caterpie or rather a new Metapod.

Little did he know that Kate, a new Pokemon trainer from urmom town had also just arrived in the forest.

'_Wow this forest is really ugly. I wish I had a Pokemon with laser beams for eyes so I could burn all the ratatas'. _Kate thought as she walked along with her Pokemon beside her. Just then she saw Ash in the clearing. His pokedex seemed to be dissing him up

"Pokemon trainers shouldn't be so stupid as to leave all of their pokeballs in an open sardine container and then 'accidentally' lower said tin of fish into a clearing of mankeys." Ash's pokedex said in its monotone voice.

Kate couldn't help but laugh at Ash's misfortune of being born with a molecule sized brain. Ash spun around quickly dropping his pokedex on the ground.

The pokedex started sputtering out a bunch of profanities but all Kate caught were the words frog sucking and stupid not even pre teen ass hole.

"Who's there!"? Ash called defensively.

"Well I don't know about you but I'm here." Kate said stepping out of the clearing.

"Who are you!"? Ash questioned.

"My name is Kate and I am destined to be the best Pokemon master in the world." Kate said in a mocking tone.

"Hey! You're mocking me! I just said that in the clearing over there, have you been spying on me?" Ash questioned nervously.

"No I haven't been spying on you. You said it so loud I could hear it, and if I was seeing right you were yelling to a Sperow that was trying to attack you." Kate said.

"Shut up! I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!" Ash yelled.

"As you wish my love." Kate said

"Wha'…" Ash asked

"I said As. You. Wish. My. Love." Kate repeated and then started laughing and fell down on the ground.

"Stop trying to psyche me out! Get up and fight me!" Ash yelled.

Kate contained her laughter and got up and pulled a poke ball from her pocket. Enlarging it by touching that small button on the front.

"You sound almost eager to die" Kate stated

Ash just made an angry face and pulled his first poke ball.

"Pigeotto I choose you!" He yelled as he whipped it onto the ground.

"Pikafag! Do your thing!" Kate yelled as she through her poke ball out onto the ground. A Pikachu popped out of her ball.

"Pika…fag…" Ash muttered to himself and then decided to ignore this and went back to his fight.

"Pigeotto! Sand attack!" Ash yelled

"Pikafag! Dodge it and use backhand!" Kate yelled.

Pikafag jumped up to pigeotto and backhanded it so it fell to the ground.

"Pikafag! USE BITCHSLAP!

Pikafag jumped on top of Pigeotto and started to bitchslap it viciously.

"THAT'S IT PIKAFAG SHOW THAT FLYING RAT WHOS BOSS!" Kate yelled.

"uhh…Pigeotto return?" Ash yelled as he returned pigeotto to its poke ball.

"Pikafag return" Kate called.

"Pikachu I choose you!" Ash yelled.

"Squirrel I choose you!" Kate yelled.

"Squirrel?" Ash muttered. '_I've never heard of that Pokemon…'_ he thought. He pulled out his pokedex and pointed it at squirrels' poke ball.

Squirrel: A small rodent that forages nuts and buries them so that it can hibernate and eat when the snow melts in the spring.

"That sounds like a squirrel…?" Ash said.

"It is a squirrel you dense igit! What, do you think that Pokemon are the only things that can live in this forest!?" Kate yelled.

"You…you mean you captured an actual squirrel…Never mind…anyways go Pikachu! Thunder shock!"

"Squirrel! Rabies attack!"

Squirrel jumped up and tackled Pikachu, foaming at the mouth. It bit into Pikachu's neck and ran around crazily making rabid sounds and shaking foam everywhere.

"Holy shit…" Ash said as he ran to Pikachu.

"YOU GAVE PIKACHU RABIES!" Ash yelled.

"Pikachu return…" Ash said defeatedly. He knew Metapod couldn't fight in it's current useless cacoon form.

"I WIN YAY ME! Squirrel return!" Kate called.

Just then a rose petal fell onto Ash's head.

James fell out of a tree and landed on the ground right next to Ash.

"Prepare to fight you!" he said in his monotone voice.

"Shut up you stupid poof! If you were any gayer you would be a pink fluffy jigglypuff! Now go dye your hair pink before you die of homosexuality!" Kate screamed.

"Well I never." James said in monotone again.

"Koffing go get them" James half whispered half yelled.

"KOFFING!" Yelled Koffing.

"Ham GO GET HIM!"

Kate threw a poke ball and out came a baked ham.

"O for fucks sakes!" Ash yelled as the ham flopped out onto the ground and did nothing.

"HAM PSYCH OUT ATTACK!" Kate yelled.

When Ham did nothing Kate rewarded it and called it back.

Koffing did a sludge attack and hit Ash.

"HAHA YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS!" Kate laughed as she pointed to where the sludge had hit Ash in his ass.

Koffing said "KOFFING!" And it released a cloud of smoke.

"Time for my last Pokemon…" Kate muttered.

"GO! MELMON!" Kate yelled.

She threw her poke ball and Mel Gibson popped out.

"HOLY SHIT! IM FREE!" He screamed and ran right into James before getting up and running off.

"Damn it! Thought I had him." Kate muttered.

Ash rolled his eyes.

Little did they know Mel has just run into a hole he made in a tree and was now watching the rest of the fight.

"METAPOD I CHOOSE YOU!" He yelled.

Metapod came out of its poke ball.

"METAPOD STRING SHO—" Kate running by and scooping up Metapod cut off Ash.

"YOU LIKE IT!" She yelled before she whipped Metapod at Koffing, which then ricocheted into James and killed them both.

"Whoo! See Metapod has it's uses, you just have to improvise." Kate said. "That was a good one. So umm…wanna go get some curry?" Kate asked.

"Sure" Said Ash and he turned to call back Metapod and then they went off to the Curry shack in town.

THE END.

* * *

Hope you guys thought this was as crazy as I did. Me and my partner re watched the first 3 epasodes of Pokémon the other night. Yha pretty weird I know. Please review. Ill love you all!


	2. A Tale of Courage

**A Tale of Courage**

By: Generation Pope

**NOTE**: beware of swearing crack nonsence and jokes against gays. If you take offence please don't flame me just don't read. Thank you.

One day Kate and her new friend Ash (actually she was just using him for his revives) went to visit the local Pokemart. They were planning on stalking up on potions and then going out for some nice curry on rice.

However once they got to the mart they realized they had forgotten all of their Pokemon in their storage boxes and thus the journey begins.

"So Kate, it's been awhile since I last saw you, what have you been up to lately?"

"Well Ash, I met a new friend named Meghan, she's a pretty awesome Pokemon trainer, better then you, well of course that isn't that hard to accomplish anyways."

"oh...well I've gotten a lot better too!!"

"Don't lie Ash, we all know you haven't been doing anything since you last saw lady Kate" Said the pokedex from Ash's pocket.

"HAHA even your technology hates you Ash, you have no friends. Oh look! We're here!" Kate skipped triumphantly into the pokemon centre, almost knocking over a dying Snubble on the way.

Kate walked up to the box and accessed Oaks PC. She withdrew Pikafag and jigglybitch.

"Get over here Soot, hurry up"

"It's Ash!"

"Whatever! Get your shit!"

Ash grumbled on his way over to the PC and accessed Oaks PC.

"HOLYMUFFINS! It won't let me access my pokemon! How do I get them out Kate!" Ash scream-asked.

"Why the scud do you think I know!? Get the fuckin nurse scudwad" Kate said indifferently as she beat Pikafag with a piece of Mankey jerky.

Ash scurried over to the desk to ask Nurse Joy what was wrong.

"Oh well, Ash all you have to do is stop being a dumbass."

"What!?" Ash said in as much outrage as he could muster.

"I said all you have to do is press the withdraw button" Joy said sweetly. She went over to the PC and pressed the withdraw button for him. The right menu came up and Ash was happy.

"Thank you so much Nurse Joy" Ash said and smiled.

"Why, you're very welcome Ash, if you ever need anything again don't be shy to a--"

"OKAY OKAY FUCK YOU GUYS, here Cinder, take your goddamn pokeballs and let's go!"

Kate whipped Ash's Pokeballs at him and dragged him out the door

"You are such a waste of matter, now lay on top of these wheels"

"what..."

"Lay down on the wheels!" Kate commanded

Kate proceeded to force Ash to lay down on top of a bunch of voltorb that were clearly not wheels and had them roll along the ground and transport Ash to the pokemart so he would stop being so useless and annoying.

"YAY we're here!" Kate Cheered.

Ash got up from the voltorb and chased after Kate into the centre.

"Oh wow Kate, look! They just got in new thunderstones!" They're only 1400! Let's get some."

"Alrighty, sweet stuff!"

Kate and Ash bought their new shiny Thunderstones and now needed to use them for something.

Just then a robber broke into the store!

"GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR TEA LEAVES!" Yelled the burglar.

"Omg! Meghan is that you gurl!?"

"LYKE WHAT THE F! No wai!" the robber yelled. They took off their pantyhose and it turned out to be Meghan!

"Meghan homes, why the f are you hittin' up a small town pokemart for tea leaves?"

"KATE! Why are you befriending the robber! Challenge them to a battle!" Yelled Ash in terror.

"Nah b' this here's my friend" kate replied nonchalantly.

"What are you talking about!? This person is trying to rob us! She has a gun!"

"Oh sweet, let me see it G'!" Kate said excitedly.

"Yeah man, just got this, check it out, its still shiny new."

"OOO smells like delicious gun powder!"

"OKAY THAT'S IT! I challenge you to a pokemon battle!" Ash yelled.

"hahaha a dick challenges me to a battle, alright I accept!" Meghan yelled.

"A dick!? What the hell is wrong with you guys! Metapod! I choose you!"

"Go Squandor!"

A pidgey came out of the ball.

"Squandor eat pupa attack!" Pidgey proceeded to swoop down and eat Metapod.

"OMG! Metapod!" Ash sobbed.

"Wanna give up now a dick?"

"MY NAME IS ASH!" Ash stood shaking in anger for a few minutes until Pikachu burst out of its pokeball in Ash's pocket and made a huge hole in his pants on his ass.

"Pikachu! Go do your best!"

Pikachu used thunderbolt and fried squander to pokedeath.

"Alright, you asked for it scudbitch! Go Fuckyurmom!"

"fuck your mom...oh man, hmm looks like a Feraligator. Pikachu can beat this one easy!"

"HAHA that's what you think boy, but my fuckyurmom has special armour under his skin that makes him 75 resistant to electric attacks!"

"How is that even possible!? Pikachu how can we win?" Ash kneeled down and started to talk to Pikachu.

He remembered the Thunderstone in his pocket. It had fallen on the floor when his pants ripped and smashed.

"Kate...can I please have the Thunderstone you just bought? Mine smashed on the floor and broke when my pants ripped."

Kate felt bad when she looked at Ash's pitiful face. She also felt bad because she had robbed Ash when he wasn't looking to buy the stone. So she handed it over.

"Thank you so much." He leaned back down to Pikachu.

"Pikachu, please use this stone to evolve into Raichu so you can beat Feraligator."

Pikachu just shook it's head and gave Ash a pleading glance that for some reason he understood.

"I understand Pikachu, you don't want to change who you are just to win one meaningless battle. I love you so much buddy"

"God ash you're such a pussy, give me back that stone!"

Kate smacked Ash and stole the stone.

"Pikafag get out here!" Kate yelled and threw her pokeball against Ash's forehead. It smashed open and Ash got Pikafag's ass in his face.

"Pikafag! Come over here and evolve to Raifag! NOW!"

Pikafag followed Pikachus example and shook his head.

"Looks like he doesn't want to Kate..." Meghan observed from the sideline.

"WHATS THAT! YOU CHOSE WEAKNESS! Kate screamed in outrage. YOU PIECE OF SHIT, HAVE YOU NO BALLS!? YOU'RE GONNA EVOLVE NOW AND YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT!"

Kate stuffed the Thunderstone down Pikafags throat and Pikafag glowed rainbow. He then turned into Raifag.

"excellennttttt, now Raifag, Thunder racket attack!"

"Let's go gurls!" Raifag exclaimed. He pulled out a badminton racket twice the size of Pikafags charged it with electricity. He then beat Ash over the face with it.

Kate and Meghan roasted Pikachu over Ash's sizzling corpse and enjoyed a wonderful meal more rewarding then curry could ever be.

END


End file.
